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Incoherency is His Last Name (Part II)

We were at the karaoke yesterday and it was a bachelor party for Ian. So, we all started picking our songs to sing, getting food from the buffet counter, talking, joking and making fun of ourselves. And then, some weird song started to play. Very naturally, someone would have to ask the million dollar question.

Chua : Shi shei dian de? (who picked this song?)
Chris : San dian (three o’clock)

… There was a short silence in the room before we all burst into laughter and me choking on my food. I nearly died. And I don’t know from which: laughing or choking? And then came the fully legitimate justification. Chris was actually informing us that the karaoke sessions is only until 3pm! Don’t you just love his comprehension of homonyms?!?!

PS : Chris, we still love you even though you cannot differentiate “dian” (pick) and “dian” (o’clock)! Haha!!!

Click here to read part I of Chris’ amazing ability

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The Truth About the 21st Century

While this is quite funny, I think this is quite an honest reflection of the world in this 21st century. What have we become? =)

Our communication – Wireless

Our dress – Topless

Our telephone – Cordless

Our cooking – Fireless

Our youth – Jobless

Our food – Fatless

Our labour – Effortless

Our conduct – Worthless

Our relation – Loveless

Our attitude – Careless

Our feelings – Heartless

Our politics – Shameless

Our education – Valueless

Our follies – Countless

Our arguments – Baseless

Our boss – Brainless

Our job – Thankless

Our salary – Very less!!!

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Vatican Humor

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile?

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Well,’ said the Chief, ‘Who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

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Senile Joke

My dad is a contractor and he constantly has to be under the cruel Malaysian sun hence, his dark complexion. One day, while visiting some of my long lost older aunts, one of them who was very old and a little bit senile stared intently at my dad’s dark skin tone. Finally, she couldn’t stand it anymore. She slapped my dad’s arms and reprimanded him saying,

“Haiyah!!! How come you never wear a cap when you’re working under the sun?! Look at how tanned your arms are!!!”

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Jesus and Computers

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off… Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming,

“It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said,

“Jesus saves.”

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Teachers and Students

Teacher : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria : Here it is.
Teacher : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class : Maria.

Teacher : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John : You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher : Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
Glenn : K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
Teacher : No, that’s wrong
Glenn : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald : H I J K L M N O.
Teacher : What are you talking about?
Donald : Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Teacher : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie : Me!

Teacher : Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glenn : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher : Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
Millie : I is..
Teacher : No, Millie……. Always say, ‘I am.’
Millie : All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

Teacher : George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis : Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Teacher : Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

Teacher : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold : A teacher

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Incoherency is His Last Name

I was having a hard time removing my Malaysian road tax sticker from my windscreen (Malaysians, you know what I mean), scratching it like mad with my fingernails. So, I got Chris to help me to do it instead because I had to drive at that moment. He too had a hard time getting it off because he barely has nails. I was teasing him saying how I could do it in 5 minutes when he had to take forever.

Me : Chris, quickly remove the sticker already!
Chris : Yeah, I’m trying here!!! You think easy ah, hah?!
Me : Yeah…
Chris : Then you do lah!!!
Me : Well, you’re the architect…
Chris : But I’m not a sticker!!!

… There was a long silence in the car (Chin Hoe was sitting behind). I guess we were all thinking the same question in our minds, “Why does he have to be a sticker to remove a sticker?” We finally burst into laughter when we understood what he meant. He was trying to say that he wasn’t the ‘person who stuck’ (aka ‘sticker’) the sticker there in the first place. Talk about tuning into the wrong frequencies and extreme incoherency!!!

PS : Chris, we still love you even though you’re not a sticker! Haha!!!

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Do Not Try This At Home

I find this extremely amusing so I must blog about it. My ever funny housemate, Jackee, was having fever and I suggested he take Panadol Soluble instead of the normal tablets because it was very effective for me. So he bought some and he swallowed one.

In case, you didn’t get that, let’s rewind. He SWALLOWED a Panadol Soluble!!! You know, those extremely huge tablets meant to be dissolved in water instead? I am amazed by how he did it. He claims that it’s still stuck in his throat, slowly dissolving! It completely made my day when he came to tell me, “Aaron, you didn’t tell me I was supposed to put the tablet into water…” Man, which planet did you come from?! =)

Life lesson learnt here. Pay attention to Panadol Soluble’s TV commercials which teach you to put the tablets in water and allow it to dissolve, so you can drink it without going through the trauma of swallowing something as big as a 50 cent coin!

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Life as a Star

What an interesting and flattering day. I was entering the Student Services office to purchase my bus card for the month of November and as I went in, the clerk who was at the desk smiled at me. She was busy talking on the phone and she told me to take a seat. After she was done with her phone call, I approached her desk to purchase the bus card.

Lady : [ Stares with a suspicious smile ]
Me: Hi, I’d like to buy a bus card please.
Lady : To where?
Me : Prima, Vista Prima.
Lady : [ Still staring with that look ]
Me : [ Ignoring her and busy filling in my particulars ]
Lady: [ Finally, she asks ] Are you a movie actor?!
Me : Huh? Er, no, I don’t think so…
Lady : Have you been in any movies or commercials?
Me : Nope.
Lady : Are you sure? Hm. You look like a movie actor…
Me : Wow, that’s a first.
Lady : Really? You mean I’m the first one to ask you that?

The moral of the story: Not every good looking guy is a movie actor or a star. =)